Football Fan Comfort

My nephew, Brian (38), LOVES the Cincinnati Bengals football team and his birthday is next week. The Bengals happen to be playing the biggest game of the season tomorrow night here in Cincinnati. They are 6-5 and their opponent, The Baltimore something-or-others, are 9-2. Both teams are in the AFC North division and there are play-off concerns with this BIG GAME. Knowing what a fan Brian is, I asked him if he wanted to drive the 2 hours from Columbus to here to watch the game. HE assumed that I had tickets to the actual game and was inviting him the the stadium, not my home. Why would I do that?

Silly boy. He was all excited like I was sending him to the Vatican to meet the Pope personally. No, come to think of it, I think he would rather shake Carson Palmer’s hand than kiss the Pontiff’s ring.

I just don’t “get” why people want to live, breathe and party with that rowdy, almost un-civilized world of professional football tail-gating fans. If people did what these devotees do outside of a stadium atmosphere, many of them would be seeking legal counsel.

I told Brian that I had meant that he could come to my home where we have a nice big screen TV so he can see the action so closely that the number of dental fillings behind Chad Johnson’s broad smile could be meticulously scrutinized. He could sit on a comfortable leather recliner that is more than 15 inches wide with NO one sitting next to him where he would have to sit up and down when they do. I went on to entice him with a bathroom available a mere seven steps away ~ with toilets that flushed; both hot and cold running water and fresh, clean hand towels. The temperature inside would be a nice cozy 70 degrees with no wind or rain.
None of this impressed him. He wanted the “real atmosphere”….so I told him I would turn off the hot water, remove the hand-towels and plug up the toilet. As he was sitting on a hard wooden chair to watch the game, I would serve him a cold hot dog wrapped in a wet paper thin tissue and charge him $7.00 for a warm, half spilled, off-brand beer. With windows wide open and the fans set at maximum gusts, I thought I could add to his authentic experience by a promise to stand behind him, kick his seat and yell for the other team while occasionally trickling beer on his head. I would also assure him that I would stand in front of him when it was 4th and inches on the Ravens 1 foot line and then turn off the TV for any replays. Maybe to top off his event, I will move his car so after the game, he would have to walk a mile in the rainy 45 % weather to go home.

I know that after checking the ticket prices and the weather forecast, I like the idea of watching the game from my living room with the accommodating seating arrangements, warmth index, water closet location and replay capability. I can spend the $250 for the two game tickets on one heck of a nice grilled steak dinner at half time, complete with a glass or two of a vintage 1978 Merlot and a shot of “The Dew” to celebrate the win.

Brian, for your 55th birthday I'll bet you'll want to join me in my living room to watch the game. I just hope my rocking chair doesn't make too much noise to interfere with your enjoyment.