The Lesson

Two young brothers, ages 5 and 7, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 5 year old in first, in the morning, while the older brother would see him later in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time,"

(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

I Long to Move South

February has been an un-wanted visitor this year, dumping it's snow, ice, fog, and freezing weather on us. March is about to greet us with it's unknown weather for thirty-one long days. It has always seemed like March is the Marathon month of the year because there are no breaks in the action, except for the Royal High Holiday of St. Patrick's day. Teachers, students but not necessarily parents, long for a snow day or a fog delay just for a little variety. It is time to look forward to Spring break, which around here, is the week prior to Easter. What do most of us want to do during a break? Get away!

Personally, I think I'm past wanting to go south for a just week in April for a mere visit ~ to get some warmth and sunshine and spring board diving practice in like I'm in the Olympics...I need more! I need to move there! I want to play golf 250 days a year...or take a walk with only needing an extra sweater around my neck instead of 35 scarves. I'd love to learn how to sail ~ or maybe become the world's finest fisherwoman (Uh, I've only gone fishing once in 1972 ~ at a very small pond, catching a monster 4" fish).

Do you think that people who live in the sunshine state yearn to "get away"? Do you think they dream of coming up north to get windburn and bronchial pneumonia?

I Don't think so!

So, I'm contemplating moving...yep. What's keeping me here?

I would miss just a few things ~ like going to opening day at The Cone just down the street, for ice cream with the kids. I wouldn't be able to watch six year-old Griffin harrass every kid there to play with him on the 50 cent mechanical Ice Cream truck...or observe two year-old Cooper do the "ice cream dance" when his Mom pulls the car into the parking lot ~ and this year Parker will be old enough to cry when Griffin tries to steal a bite of her snow cone.

Then there is the local swimming pool. If I moved, I would miss awakening (much too early) to take Griffin to swim lessons at 7:30 a.m. ~
I wouldn't be here to feel the pain of Grif trying to learn the Australian crawl in 60 degree water, then running to me to get wrapped up in his Spiderman towel while asking me what succulent surprise I had brought him for his snack. I would miss it when he looked up at me and yelled, "Awesome!" when he saw that I packed his favorite "pretzel sticks with cheese dip".
Hmmm..now this year Cooper is old enough for me to see how his Mom will show him how to float...and it will be Parker's first exposure to chlorine and sun tan lotion.

If I lived down south, I wouldn't witness 14 year old Connor coming for a visit and attempting to beat me, his cousin, Uncle and Aunt at Miniature golf...and him trying to protect Griffin from bullies at the swimming pool who try to steal a water toy.

I would miss the family cook-outs when Sean tries to create a new cuisine-burger made from un-edible ingredients, and then attempt to beat me, witout success, at the basketball skill game of "horse"...

I wouldn't be here to see Annie dress Parker in her first sun-suit and matching sun-bonnet (Parker, that is...Annie doesn't look that good in a sun bonnet).

Let's see...maybe a quick week in Florida at spring break will be just long enough away from here after all.

Class is in Session

A friend of mine recently gave birth to her third child. What a wonderful blessing to have three, healthy wee ones rounding out the family. I saw Mama Nikki about five months ago at her sister's wedding and she was uncomfortable with her added girth then. I can only imagine how whe felt during those last 21 weeks of "feathering the nest".

Now comes the lesson part ~ I ran across an interesting fact about pregnancies. Most of us think that the longest gestation period in the animal kingdom is that of an elephant ~ carrying her baby 22-24 months.

Wow. TWO years of of her moaning to her bull elephant hubby about her aching back. I wonder how HE reacts when HER hormones start raging? Does she have unusual food cravings and her spouse has to go out in the middle of the night to bring home some pickles with the bananas and mangos?

Well, I learned that there is a creature that God created that carries her young
38 Months ~ the Alpine Salamander of Southern Europe.

Can you fathom the idea of being the person who studies this species?
"What is your profession, madam?" ~
"I am a Alpine Salamander gestation observer."

Did our observer possibly discover cravings and hormonal imbalances with Mrs. A-S?
How does one know when an Alpine Salamander is pregnant?
Can she still crawl on her belly?
Does she lay on it's side for 2 and 1/2 years?

I can't imagine the male partner would be hanging around, massaging the little feet of our Mama. THAT might be a record ~ having any male stick around for that long, supporting a demanding pregnant species of ANY kind.

Whom do I call to find this A-S gestation observer?
I looked in the phone book and there was no listing.

Hmm...I'll bet Nikki AND her husband are glad that they are neither elephants NOR Alpine Salamanders.

Class dismissed.

Britney's motivations revealed!

I know why Britney shaved her dyed golden locks ~

She didn't want to get them tangled in the revolving doors of the rehab clinic.

You heard it here first.

Memories..Like the corners of my...I Can't Remember

Have you ever had one of those days? You know what I mean. You try to accomplish 120 things at once and then you can't find your eyeglasses until you look in the refrigerator...
Well, a friend of mine sent a cute little joke for your reading pleasure. Now if I could just remember where I filed it....

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Thanks to Barb Nielsen in Ft. Myers, Florida for that one. (Ever since Barb moved to the OLD state, she has been sending me these "elderly" jokes)

Bald is Beautiful

Today I read that Britney Spears has shaved her head and added a tattoo to her body. I, personally would probably do neither of those things in a conscious, or altered state. Maybe Brit's hair got in her eyes too much and that's why she's been having trouble safely caring for her children. Possibly the heavy tresses on her dome caused her to make poor judgments in choosing a husband.

I worry that she now could catch a cold more easily and have the need for prescription medication.
To be fair, she could have felt that the need to trim her hair care budget. I'm thinking her ex-husband must be asking for a Brit-load of alimony.

A bald head would certainly save some coin because there is no need for a special hair shampoo, rinse, conditioner, gel, blow dryer, sprays and color. She can even sell her combs, brushes and shorn locks on e-bay and consider hiring more nannies.

I wonder if there is some kind of a trade-off, though...would a bald head need some kind of special care? Maybe she has to buy an expensive razor to keep the 5 o'clock shadow to a minimum. During photo-shoots and concerts, she may incur an additional cost of buying and wearing special, costly make-up and powder to avoid a blinding reflection that might injure a fan or photographer ~ and then there would be the law suits...NOW we're getting into talking serious money here...

OK, where was I? Oh, now let's go back to saving B.S. some $$$ ~ one alternative is for her to wear fancy-smancy designer scarves and head-wear to avoid that bald-reflection law suit. But wouldn't that put her right back in a financial conundrum, having to spend a "record" amount of money on that famous head of hers?

It's none of my business but I must say I'm a little concerned about her ~ how about if I look at the carton of winter hats and scarves that were going to be donated to the homeless and maybe be re-route a few things to the obviously (delirious) much-in-need-of-something Britney.

Now, about the tattoo...oh, never mind.

Valentines Day

I'm a little nervous about this day of celebrating love. Maybe it is the echo of the historical event, The Valentine's Day Massacre.
Maybe it's the fact that we look to cupid as the mascot of the day. Here is a child carrying a weapon and wearing nothing but a speedo, shooting at people's hearts. He certainly wouldn't be welcome swooping in to visit any public arena, including a school or library.

Can you imagine shopping at the local grocery store and there you are in the canned peas aisle and you look up to see naked boy with a bow and arrow aimed at you? Would you be thinking "aw, isn't that sweet?" or would you be calling security?

I can see a bunch of guys enjoying an adult beverage or two at the Cincinnati Bengals football game and instead of the hot dog vendor hiking up and down the stands, there is this kid streaking by with a stick that could put your eye out.
Well, come to think of it, in that venu maybe no one would take much notice.

If that same cupid-boy came to my front door and was about to "Draw back his bow..and let his arrow go..." I would be dialing 911 and as soon as lover-boy was hand-cuffed, I would be buying a arrow-proof vest off the internet, because I would be too scared to leave my house.

Sigh...maybe my romantic days are gone along with my dark brown hair.
You can keep most kinds of flowers away from me ~ they remind me of a funeral home. Chocolate isn't good for my svelte figure (one can dream, right?) and if I receive a mushy card, I suspect that someone wants something from me.

I agree with my niece, Annie-belle, who thinks the world would be a better place when people treat people with love all year long. One day in 365 of spreading love is a little silly.

Wait a minute, the phone is ringing.

Ahem. I have an addendum to write here. Great nephew Griffin just called and asked me to come over for Valentine's Day ~ then punctuated the call with "I love you". Then as I was hanging up the phone, a (cute) delivery man handed me the most gorgeous roses that I have even seen (and they don't smell like "you know what") ~ from my nephew Brian.

I'd like to say just one thing ~
I love Valentine's Day ~ even if it IS only one day.
That's a start.

With this Winter Snow & Ice...think Golf!

Here are some great not-so-famous quotes from very famous people.
I like thinking of golf when it is -5 degrees ~ it gives me hope!

1.If you are going to throw a club, it is important
to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so
you don't have to waste energy going back to
pick it up. ~ Tommy Bolt


2. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but
feels personally responsible when he makes a
hole-in-one. ~ Bishop Sheen


3. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew
tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~ Arnold Palmer


4. The only time my prayers are never answered is
playing golf. ~ Billy Graham


5. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try
picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

6. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf
balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain

This May Make You Feel a Little "Flush"

Oh, dear Gussie! I read a headline on CNN's website about "Talking Urinal Cakes"...and I thought baked goods had made their way to the men's rooms. It appears that some creative wizard has come up with a great idea to either entertain, annoy, inform or embarrass men while they "see a man about a horse".
As I continued to read about these "talking urinals", I was picturing two urinals side by side, telling each other knock-knock jokes. I think way too literally.

Here's an article from newlaunch.com that I found on the world wide web that describes this invention ~

"Now it won't be possible for a man to pee in peace, as urinals across the country will be equipped to broadcast public messages. Urinals have been fitted with the Wizmark Urinal Communicator, a waterproof, disposable drain cover embedded with electronics that senses a visitor and then relays an audio message. The proximity sensor detects someone approaching within about 30 to 60 centimeters. A few seconds later, the detection lights flash, and a pre-recorded audio announcement starts playing. The device has a nine-centimeter diameter display area containing a lenticular screen that features multiple images or text that, and as the person moves toward the urinal, they appear to change from one graphic to the other.
Dr Richard Deutsch, its inventor, said the device can be programmed to play anything from beer commercials to public service announcements promoting responsible drinking, and has been designed to fit over the drain of standard-sized urinals. It also acts as a deodoriser with a disinfectant base, he said. Safety officials in Nassau County, New York, have already acquired 100 copies of the Wizmark, funded by fines from those caught driving while intoxicated."

Whew! Can you imagine a guy wobbling into a urinal after he's been partying and downing a few brewkies ~ and in "mid-stream" he hears a voice that he thinks in his fuzzy state, may be GOD, advising him that he needs to sober up before driving?
How fast do you think he would be ordering coffee to replace the "long island iced teas"?

I imagine Churches would be a good advertiser for this particular invention.

This topic has left me a bit "drained"...and just a bit nervous about what inventors will think of next to surprise the public in private situations!

Bambi Needs to "Pack Heat"

I had to take my dog, Bailey, to see the Veterinarian today. Bailey was really sick but I just knew that he would be OK once he saw Dr. Rob. I love this Vet. He is kind, caring and good-looking to boot! The office environment is a reflection of these qualities as each member of his staff is friendly, helpful and most efficient.
Due to the nature of Bailey's illness, I just drove over to the animal hospital without calling for an appointment as it is only five minutes away.

As I waited for the assistant to check on the availability of the vet, I tried to calm my nerves by thumbing through a magazine. Bailey was in my arms, shaking so hard that I thought his eyebrows would fall off.

The first magazine that I grabbed had some kind of Field and Stream theme going on and on the front cover, in LARGE TYPE, a headline SCREAMED, "12 Ways to Get Your Buck" and they were not referring to a denomination of money. They were showing hunters how to kill a deer!

All of a sudden, I didn't feel so comfortable in my vet's office. How could he purport that he cares for sick animals but then buys a magazine that is available in the lobby that outlines details on how to kill them?
That makes no sense to me.

I've never understood the "sport" of killing an animal. A person armed with a rifle or bow and arrow, stalks an un-armed animal that is just hangin' out, having a nice walk around God's world and WAMMO! The hunter springs out of his hiding place to take a shot in an open field to end this creature's life.
Wow. That is so cool. And the idiot who shot him is so proud of himself that he hangs the head of the victim up in his den for all to see.
I wonder if he has any pictures of his family that hang that large for admiration? Or does he just "honor" a dead defenseless deer?

Maybe if the deer was also armed with a shotgun it would be more fair. Oh, the pity.

Dr. Rob was in surgery and couldn't see Bailey so we had another vet examine him. Tomorrow I have to take Bailey back for more tests.
I hope I don't see any camaouflage jackets hanging on the coat rack.

Maybe I should be looking at the reading materials at my own family Doctor's office. If I see a funeral home directory, I'll be switching Doctors.

Here's the "Scoop"

The silliest item in my kitchen is an ice cream scoop.
I don't mean silly, like I fall down laughing when I retrieve it from the drawer that I can barely open because it has so much STUFF ~ I mean silly in that an ice cream scoop is an un-needed utensil.
I have about 78 ultra-strong spoons and almost any of them could do double-duty as an ice cream scoop. Run hot water on it and it does the job. If you have a really frozen container, then just employ the "nuke for 20 seconds" method and the ice cream is perfect for easy-serving.
My spoon method actually gives me the exact size portion of ice cream that I want, as I can choose a teaspoon ("fat" chance), a tablespoon, or a serving spoon (for the giganda appetite when 6 year old Griffin is being served). Of course, there is a friend of mine who just eats right out of the carton...I guess that's another way of dodging the "scoop" debate.
Two someones who will remain nameless, (Annie & Sean Michael Murphy) broke not one, but TWO ice cream scoops of mine...the second one had that little metal flippy-thing on it which apparently was rendered useless when my microwaving of the ice cream idea was ignored. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth over this minor catastophy...(if a catastrophy be minor) Of course, I ran right out and looked for a replacement. I went into the Kitchen Is Us store and couldn't believe the huge selection of scoops that I had! They had all sizes, shapes and even electric ones!
The person who buys THAT has to be one serious ice cream eater and I hope is not lactose intolerant!
All I wanted was a simple scoop ~ and I finally found a cute pretty pink one that set me back $12.95.
Any one of my 25 cent spoons could be it's substitute and I would bet not one person would notice ~ NOR refuse to eat that ice cream.

Maybe I should run a double-blind test on this experiment.
Any volunteers for participation?

Slow News Day?

Bacteria Make Female Butterflies Promiscuous, Scientists Say
The germs can turn males to females and cause infected females to reproduce without males.

This was one of the top stories that CNN posted on their web site.

Maybe there IS a portion of our society that will celebrate this fact, what do you think?

I feel so well informed now.

Is Work REALLY a Four Letter Word?

I can still hear my Mother teasing my Dad by repeating the saying, "A man may work from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done."
I've heard people use the word, WORK, to describe enjoyment (a work of art), frustration (a toy that took twelve hours of work to assemble), therapy (let's work our problems out)and obviously, the almighty paycheck (I got a raise at work).
But the other day I was startled to see the word "WORK" used in the following health questionnaire at a Doctor's office:

How may hours do you work a week? WORK as defined as tasks which, given the choice, you would rather not do...this would include ~ childcare, housework, studying, etc.

Is any of that offensive to you or am I just off base here?
I am wondering how well-adjusted the author of that form is?

Maybe there should be more replacement titles for the following popular books ~

"Joy of Cooking" replace with "Bitch While Baking"

"The Happy Housecleaner" replace with "The Depression of Dusting"

"The Love and Caring of Children" replace with "Down with Diapers, Up with Birth-control"..(or "He'll Never Touch Me Again")

"Laundry Made Easy" replace with "I'm Tired of Tide and Finished with Fabreeze"

"Studying Made Simple" replace with "Grades are Over-rated"

"I Love My Job" replace with "Laziness is Under-rated"

I guess I am over-reacting to a simple question on a piece of paper but if people are really thinking of work as something they would rather not do, then there needs to be an attitude adjustment.
Am I right here? If not, I've gone to all this friggin' WORK here in vane..for nothing! Nada!
Then I'll be really depressed and have to go back to that Doctor's office.
I think I need more time to JOYOUSLY WORK this out in my mind.