The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round....

Have you noticed that school has started? There are just a FEW clues...and they all begin with the word BUS.
It doesn't matter when I leave my surburban, middle class neighborhood, the yellow,
50-seat child taxis are EVERYWHERE. There is no out-foxing them. I can try to scoot out of my driveway at 6 a.m., 7:40 a.m...8:18 a.m., 9:25 a.m. but there they are...with their lights flashing and an ominous STOP sign craned to the side.
These 80 foot vehicles stop every 38 feet to pick up just ONE more tow-head, boarding with an over-sized Superman back-pack and Barbie lunch box (whoops..USUALLY not the same child).
I can remember "the good old days", when I said to myself, "I will never NEVER use the expression "good old days".
(This won't be the first time I've broken one of my own antique promises.)
Any student (WAY back then) taking a bus would have to live more than 5 miles from the school or show the principal either your broken bicycle or in-operable roller skates.

The bus would only slow to a slight halt as a challenge to boarding. The "stop" was the corner that was at least 5 blocks away. You never saw what I have seen during these past two inaugural weeks of the start of school. Parents are driving to the bus stop to see little Johnnie off! Some are even shooting a video, complete with lights and cue cards, (some just hire a videographer) filming Junior climbing the stairs to his air-conditioned bus. (complete with surround sound, captain chairs and a bus-line attendant serving gummie bears & kool-aid)

Oh, that reminds me....may I have a side-bar for a moment?
THIS STORY IS THE TRUTH..NO JOKE..I"M SERIOUS!

The other day I was in a Doctor's office waiting room and a typical 10 year old "Johnnie" was there with his nagging Mother. She was rifling through his Super-hero back-pack and she found his reading assignment. She said, "Little Johnnie, it says here that you have to read a bibliography in the next two weeks. I don't think Star Wars will count"!
He responds with a bratty little exasperated sigh, "so, what's a bibliography"?
She explains with full authority, "you know...it's a..well, it's a story written about the life of a person."

(I'm thinking.."did I hear her right? Isn't that a BIOGRAPHY?")

To make matter worse and much harder for me to control my gales of stifled laughter, she went on to ask him who he wanted to read about for his Bibliography...and rattled off, to his dis-interest, about 45 people living and dead. I was so grateful when "tortured Johnnie" was called into the Doctor's office (followed by his Mother mumbling, "What about George Harrison?").

Well, I'm off to meet my great-nephew Griffin's school bus. It's a treat, actually, because I only get to do it once in a while ~ and I love seeing the little guy.
Thank heavens they drop him off right in front of the house! I can sit in the driveway and do crossword puzzles while I wait.

Today I will leave my video camera at home. He says it embarrasses him.

A Picture Is Worth...Whatever

I just read an article about news anchor Katie Couric. It "appears" that a magazine photo editor got a little zealous in his altering of Katie's picture that was taken for an article. He made her look 20 pounds thinner by using an "air-brush" technique. She claims she liked the "before" picture better as there is more of her to love.
Yeah, right....what woman wouldn't want to look 20 pounds thinner? ...Take the likes of Laura Boyle and Nicole Richie, who together might have to be thrown back in the lake if caught.
Do you think the photo editor didn't like Katie's figure? Will they sell more magazines if she looks like she and Richard Simmons are best friends?

After seeing the movie, "Devil Wears Prada", it made me think that there is another world out there in New York and California. Then I woke up from my dream and realized that this thought process is prevelant everywhere.
A new store opened here locally in Cincinnati called Beauty is Important.
I did a double-take when I saw it. I guess they never heard the saying "Beauty is only skin deep".

At any rate, maybe I'll stop in and visit them. They may have air brushes on sale.

Some Dirt is a Mystery

I don't understand why we need to wash our towels. If I just took a shower and soaped up and rinsed off, then why should the towel that I dab myself dry with need to be washed? This question has perplexed my for years. It's a mystery.

Another ponderance...why does the inside top of my washing machine get dirty? I don't mean "dust-dirty", but "need-to-use-soap-to-clean-it" dirty. How can semi-dirty clothes create a dirt event. (let's face it, I don't work as a landscaper and I'm too prissy to perspire, so my clothes hardly get soiled)
Maybe someone sneaks into the house to put dirt and crud on the inside lid of the washer? It's a mystery.

Why do we bother washing our hands at a public restroom and then use our freshly washed hands to open a germ-infested door? It's a mystery.

Why do we shake hands with people? I believe that greeting dates back to the old days when everyone lived in the land of mis-trust and shook hands to ensure that the other person didn't have a gun. Hmmmm..I guess that one is not such a mystery these days.

No Answers from the Answering Machine

Did you ever analyze what Answering Machines really do?
They are supposed to answer-the-ring...but in fact, there are no answers given. When I get one of those fun, clever messages like, "not here..you know what to do"...I have received absolutely NO answers as to where my intended communicatee is...when will they return? How can I reach them now, when I want to talk? What are they doing now? Can they loan me the money or not??

These units should be officially called "entertainment machines". They must give some jollies to the person who owns them. They can leave a sarcastic recording saying, "hey, if you're a bill collector, don't call back...and if you found my pet snake, you can keep it, if you're my Mother-in-law, we moved..everyone else can leave a message."
Or...my favorite is when a small child who can barely mumble leaves a cutesy message about her parents being busy and she's not allowed to disturb them.


The other side of the "entertainment value" is when the owner of this favorite toy comes home and listens to the ramblings of frustrated callers (of course, this is assuming that said person has not already heard the message by screening the call!)

I, personally, like to use up the entire time by chattng on and on. I suppose I figure that is divine retribution for not picking up the phone then and there. My Dad, on the other hand, would leave the most cryptic words, "Call your Father."
My brother would say, "Peg, call me as soon as you can..it's important." There was nothing Dave ever said that WASN'T important..to HIM.
But I would panic (my nature) and think something was wrong and I was needed to change into my cape with the "S" on it to swoop in and save the day. Most of the time, he wanted to tell me his latest review of the last movie he saw.

I'm going to go change all my answering mach...whoops....ENTERTAINMENT machines messages to something clever and glib. Maybe I'll sing my message. Maybe I'll buy one of those pre-recorded celebrities telling people how very busy and in demand I am.

Call me!

Find a Bail Bondsman!

How can we possibly know ALL the laws of our wonderful land?
Here are some legalities we should all be aware of when in Ohio.

A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.....wouldn't you love a video of that?


• Breast feeding is not allowed in public. What about newborn animals? Keep them in the house, I guess.

• Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio. ....Just ride your horse around 675 and avoid Centerville, if they are going to be like that!


• Cleveland: It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!....so, that's why my basement rodent residents ask to se my licnse all the time.

• Clinton County: Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines. Crud! And I was just going to take a spin out there for some end-of-summer-leanin' time...

• Columbus: It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.....but they have a HUGE sale on Saturdays!


• In ohio it is illegal to ride on the roof of a taxi cab Another fun idea out the window!

• In ohio it is illegal to run out of gasWHOA! Who hasn't broken THAT law around 3:30 p.m. after a big lunch and boring meeting and...whoops..or do they mean your CAR?

• In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture...does that make it ok if she is standing BEHIND the picture? (Careful, new teachers in town!)

• It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house. What about convents?? Arrest them all!

I wonder if there is a law about making fun of our Great Ohio Laws on a blog?
Uh, I need a little help here......

Why, I Just Love Your Southern Drawl!

I read in the newspaper that a Farmer in England is telling the press that cows have different accents, depending upon what cow tribe they are in. Then the article goes on to say that research has shown that birds also have various dialects.

Is this going to change my life one iota? (what IS an "iota" anyway?)
Do I give a whistle if a cow moos with a southern drawl or adding a New England "R" at the end of the moo? Do I care if it says "soda" or "pop" in moo-language?

And as far as birds go...they can tweet in Russian and I wouldn't know the difference.

And I hope that there is not a $500,000 study being funded by tax dollars to inform us that Bessie moos in Latin on occasion.

I think the article is "Udderly" for the "birds"...put THAT in your beak and chirp it.

Hi, My Name is Peggy and I'm a Greeting Card Addict

I am a greeting card junkie. I LOVE to find the cutest, the most clever, wittiest, award-winning-humorous, drop-dead hysterical card for ANY occasion. I giggle as I send it off to someone who I know will "have their day made" because of my thoughtfulness.
Most recently I have found the best cards at the Thunderbird Car Wash in West Chester, Ohio. I go there once a month, not to have my car washed (they are way too expensive), but because they change out their cards that often. Sometimes I'll go in and the owner will say, "Oh, sorry, Peggy, Ginny (not her real name) hasn't come in yet this month to switch out the cards." I hide my disappointment by reviewing the stale cards I perused 4 weeks earlier and leave, only to return daily to see if lazy ole Ginny has come back yet to do her job.

I have bought cards from just about every store for every possible event. My selection goes from birthday, to graduation, to new job, to illness, to wedding, to THANKS for whatever, to new home, to new puppy, to new baby, to coping with your divorce, to "sorry they died". Kinda in that order. I actually have a mini-card store in my office so I can whip off the "sorry you broke your fingernail" card the minute I get the news.

I only buy cute, funny cards. Even for funerals. I figure there must be something to laugh about when thinking of Uncle Harold.
And forget the cards with flowers on them and sentimental sayings. I think they must be the cheapest...I had an Aunt who gave me those kind every birthday. She would hand-carry it to my parents so she would avoid paying for the postage. She would then write in pencil, "Love, Aunt Catherine...p.s. you can erase this and send it on to someone else!"
I remember getting them from her when I was in grade school! Can you imagine me passing those off on my school yard pals?

My ultimate favorite cards are Maxine cards..oh, and the silly puppy cards..oh,
and then there's the ~ "baby-talking-to-you-while-he-is-in-the-bathtub-with-another-baby-
who-has-a-funny-hat-on" cards.

I think my addiction peaked when I bought 34 singing cards at Hallmark. They have these great songs that play whn you open them...a wide variety from the 70's bubble gum to Broadway shows. The clerks couldn't wait until I left because I was there for 6 hours, playing every single one. I even left for lunch and came back and I over-heard one of them mumbling something about "why doesn't she get a life?" Ha!
I wanted to tell her, "I'm keeping you employed aren't I?" But then I found a singing card that I bought for her instead, "Keep Your Sunny Side Up". It brought her to tears (that's the best, when a fun card can make 'em cry!).
She's my new best friend now. AND I get discounts on my cards!

Paper Jam

What would we do without paper?
We start the day and end the day with paper...(TP)

I make my breakfast by getting my groceries out of the PAPER bag and unwrapping the bread from it's PAPER covering. I get my butter, wrapped in PAPER, out of the refrigerator, and use a PAPER napkin to dab my ever-so-delicate mouth of toast crumbs. I dry my dish with a PAPER towel (unless I use a PAPER plate).

I look up in my PAPER TV guide what shows I want to tape for the day.

Usually I head to my office to work on my book. Today I unwrapped a ream of PAPER..that is wrapped in PAPER to print off my work, while
yesterday I copied some cute photos from my digital camera on some glossy PHOTO PAPER.
Mid-morning I take a break by reading the newsPAPER as I drink some water from a PAPER cup.

Today I am mailing off a birthday package to a friend and I am including a very funny card from Hallmark that is made out of PAPER and the clerk included one of those H Hallmark seals made out of..."you know what". I will cushion the present in tissue PAPER and send it off wrapped in festive PAPER and mail it in a big PAPER padded envelope.
I hope to receive a thank you note written on PAPER.

Oh, around mid-afternoon, it's time to retrieve the mail. Naturally, I receive mostly bills and un-solicited magazines, (no thak yhou nogts yet) both coming in assorted types, colors, weights and sizes of PAPER.
Since I have received bills, I must get out my checks, that happen to be printed on cute (SNOOPY theme..since I'm usually in the "dog-house" with my bills) PAPER.

Just look around you and observe the prevalence of PAPER-products in your life.
Most games are made of some kind of paper. (BINGO - It's all about the PAPER; GOLF ~ Score-card; FOOTBALL ~ playbook; BRIDGE ~ cards and tally sheet; BOWLING ~ ok, that's not a good example since they've gone to the electronic scoring..but...WAIT...what about the obligatory candy item purchased that has the PAPER wrapping, huh? GOTCHA!)

Then think about the containers for PAPER products!

Now, let's think of the TREES and the kinds of TREES that are supporting our addiction to PAPER...........................!
That may have to be another day.

Or..just use your computer/palm pilot/blackberry/laptop to communicate, pay bills and play games and order pizza.

Shaving Time

I have had a ridiculously crazy schedule during these past few weeks. It seems as though I need every spare minute that I can manage to accomplish all tasks at hand. So I decided to take some ideas from the great movie, the "Original", Cheaper By The Dozen.

I was in the shower the other day reviewing my jam-packed day and starting to hyper-ventilate realizing that I had 12 hours to get 25 hours of various "stuff" done. That's when I recalled the afore-mentioned movie. In that film the father of 12 kids chose crazy methods to get them organized and be "time efficient"....like, they were timed buttoning their shirts up vs. down and the results saved 2 seconds. That doesn't sound like a lot but when multiplied by 365 days/year..and then add other chores that have been trimmed in time, well, one can fulfill their daily obligations with time to spare!!

So, I decided to try "time-trimming" in the shower by alternating shaving just one leg and underarm every other day. I got excited at this prospect as this would save me at last 2 minutes/day..X 365 days a year and I get...well, I don't have my calculator with me but I'm sure my time saved is well over an afternoon at the pool.
Then I didn't like the way I felt kinda lop-sided, with hair on one side of the body out-weighing the other, so I tried shaving just the lower half of the
legs and the inner half of the underarm. I understand the Europeans when they just say "Forgetaboutit"...but they say it in some sexy European accent which makes it ok.

I understand men who have the old "Don Johnson" (now Ryan Seacrest?) 4 day-growth of beard...they are "cool" .
I DON'T understand all these men shaving their heads...there is nothing cool or time efficient in that.

Well, here I am babbling on and on and I'm only blogging today so people will get off my case for not blogging for a while, But now you know why..
My shaved legs were more important than rambling on..and on...

Oh, *&%@&! Technology Hits Again!

Boston has stubbed my toe with some of their hi-tech equimpment on numerous occasions. Today's subject spotlights their self-parking garage pay machines.
I have, in the past in Ohio, been in a situation where I had to use the annoying "no attendant so pay with exact change over there" lot...

"Over there" consists of a 6'x3'metal stand that has tiny pay-slots whose numbers coincide with the 3 digits lightly painted under where your car is parked. If you are in a hurry (and who isn't when parking downtown?), you probaby didn't notice the worn bits of chipped white paint as you parked. Now you have to run back, start your car, back up and get out to try to figure out if your number is 132 or 182 ~ then re-park and return to the "PAY-ME OR NEVER SE YOUR VEHICLE AGAIN" metal money grabber. The slots to aim your "exact change" of $8.95 are so miniscule, it takes 20 minutes just to crease and fold your dollar bills to try to jam in the tiny mouth that is surely laughing its aluminum head off.

So, enough about the "old way" of collecting money for your car to sit for 45 minutes...(Heaven knows we have enough people in this country who need work, couldn't a few be change makers at a parking garage?)

In Boston, they have these sharp, educated whipper-snappers who invented a machine to use a credit card or dollar bills for your parking lot bill. Parking costs are so outrageous in downtown Bean-town that to park one's vehicle for 60 minutes it will lighten your purse by $30.00.

I was running late to board a "free" boat ride around the Boston Harbor..I couldn't find any where to park. The garage across the street was closed for construction. The Hotels within a mile all require that you are a guest to use their valet parking. So, after spending 3 gallons of gas and 48 minutes looking within 7 blocks of the boat docks for a inexpensive place to park, I whipped my rental car into this garage that spit out a ticket before I had a chance to read the hourly rates. Heck, I was going to miss my "free" boat ride!
Anyway, I found a spot and made it to the boat with seconds to spare. After enjoying a nice 2 hours sitting in the harbor in th same spot looking at the same skyline and hearing 120 minutes of history, I headed back to my car. As I entered the parking garage, I noticed a machine about the same size as a soda vending machine. It was a nice shiny silver and had words painted on it like "PAY HERE"..
I never noticed this machine when hurrying out of the garage after running down 8 flights of stairs because the elevator wasn't working.
The machine informed informed me in smaller print that I had to have my ticket to insert in this machine and then I could use cash or a credit card.
Of course, guess where my ticket was...yup..8 flights up. So, I checked the elevators that still were wearing their signs, "OUT OF ORDER" (I swear, when judgment day comes and I approach the Pearly Gates, it better not have those words greeting me)
So, I hiked up the stairs..retrieved the ticket, and walked (crawled) down the stairs. I waited for the other 4 people to pay for their parking fee to finish and I stuck my ticket in...fed my Discover card in the credit card slot..and waited..and waited...and after 12 minutes (I was still recovring from the stair master), I noticed the credit card emblems that they had glued on the machine did not include Discover. Hmmmm.....the unit had eaten my card. I immediately started to glisten..(perspire)...and panicked...I thrust another card in to retrieve the Discover card. Now both cards are being ingested by BIG "PAY-ME" BULLY. I had figured that the machine couldn't handle two cards so it would release both of them..like a high school wrestler trying to "make weight".

Ok, so I got lucky. A woman who was sweeping the garage came by and had a nail file and with a flick of the wrist, she recovered both of my cards. She suggested that I pay cash and I did just that. Whew...I got my receipt from paying my $30.00 snd headed up the stairs, glad that this fiasco was over. As I was gasping for air on the 5th floor I realized that the nice, helpful garage employee never gave me back the two credit cards! I raced back down, and spent 2 hours looking for Ms. Wonderful. I never found her..and now I had parked more than the 15 minute grace period they allow you to get your car out of the garage..and I have no more cards..and no more cash.

The only end to this story comes by my saying my sales experience helped me out of this one. When I finally found a security guard, I just burst into tears and grabbed his leg and sobbed.

If I ever go back, I'll take the subway...and I'll have exact change.

Challenged by even the not-so-technical Stuff

I have just returned from a quick trip to Boston, the land of educational institutions. I read once that there are more buildings of higher education per person than anywhere else in the world. (But don't believe all that you read) Maybe with all this intelligence roaming the always-under-construction streets, that is the reason for some new-fangled servcies that I haven't found a plethora of here in Ohio.

Oh, I do have one side-bar question - with all these well-educated people, how does it happen that the "BIG DIG" done gone wrong? WRONG in a HUGE way. Rumors have it that not only is the Ted Williams tunnel faulty with it's bolts that hold 123 billion tons of water out, but it was built too low to the ocean floor..so if a big ship comes in, LOOK OUT! But I digress.

OK, so here I am in the Boston Logan airport. I decide to "use the facilities"...and when I stand up from my brief relief, I can't find the handle to flush. Of course, I'm not completely ignorant....I know it is an automatic flush so I stand back awaiting the "big flush"...nothing...nada...I must have spent 43 minutes looking for the hidden "emergency handle". (ok, not 43 minutes but it seemed that way)
I finally shrug my shoulders and give up and leave the stall and lo and behold, when I am about 6 feet away, I hear the hidden flush-man doing his job. That's bothersome to me.

Now I am more than ready to wash my hands. It is now like a scavenger hunt to try to find how the soap dispenser is going to work and whether the fawcet will work at all.
Usually, there is the soap dispenser on the wall that has a little drop down apparatus that one either pulls, pushes up, or slides sideways. This particular restroom had a two fawcets sitting next to each other...and not the "turn-the-hot-or-
cold-water" kind. No, that would be too easy. The fawcets I am used to actually say "hot" and "cold" and it's easy! I observed as others approached the scenario with almost as much confusion and trepidation as I had.
I finally notice someone else waving their paw under one fawcet and getting a dribble of soap...then waving their hands under the other and getting water...for 3 seconds. It took me 4 passes under the soap and 5 under the water to really wash my hands.
Now I have been in this restroom so long, I am afraid I am going to miss my RETURNING flight due out in 5 days!

Now I moved to the hand dryer. What ever happened to paper towels?
Now I either crank, push or wave. This one you had to sing to. They have various songs that it will react to but I chose, "What a Wonderful World"..I have to admit that people applauded when I finished...hands dry in just 4 versus. I thought I was receiving the standing ovation because of my singing, but I did hear the person standing five behind me whisper, "Thank heavens she is finally gone"...